just write

I have the whole coffeeshop to myself. Bejeweled longhorn skulls adorn the walls. The day outside is gray and drizzly, a rarity here in Texas, making indoors feel even more dim.

I am showing up to write today, because it is my day to do so. A lovely young girl is taking care of my sweet boy, not five minutes down the road, while I revel in what I crave most in these motherhood days: time, alone, at the coffeeshop, with books and coffee. While I drain my dark mocha I refill my cup: I scroll through blogs and fill up on inspiration.

I am feeling a subtle but powerful shift in these days, like the first hook of a strong undertow. Changes are afoot. Old ways of being are about to be cast off, like worn, ill-fitting pieces of clothing belonging to someone I used to be in another life. I am seeking and craving nourishment: not the rush and fizzle of the sweetness I reach for as a balm to soothe the dull ache of discomfort, but a long, lasting goodness like rain drenching down to the parched tree roots deep in Texas summer. The same rain I opened the bedroom door to last night, listening to its drumming on the tin porch roof from where I lay stretched out, root-like, on the yoga mat, opening to what is hurt and broken inside, this listening the first step in beginning to mend.

Rain in summer in the South; being able to be outside, comfortable, in the afternoons; opening doors and windows: small miracles we welcome with open, cupped hands, ready to drink in the goodness. In this season of miracles, maybe I'll reap one more: believing that I can, and will, make a change.


:: playing along with heather at the eo ::

peaks & valleys

:: valleys ::

-erratic toddler naps resulting in several missed outings & playdates

-a cranky, teething boy and a overheated, uninspired, confused mama

-forgetting my running shoes, thus rendering a trip to the gym pointless


:: peaks ::

-finding renewed joy and energy on the treadmill and the mat

-an extra day off with the mr. in which to nap, make potato salad, and not do much of anything else

-hot pink yarn in the mail

-happy friday with just-because flowers, sprinkler runs and a cupcake


playing along with Ink + Chai

Location:N Guadalupe St,San Marcos,United States

finding space

The above is my favorite spread from Susannah Conway's book, This I Know, which a marvel and a delight."Slow down. Listen in. Create space." A mantra for these drifting days.


I've been slowly coming back to my evening yoga practice. Over many weeks it went dormant: my studio, the only room in our house that doesn't have an A/C unit, is unusable in the summer, and without a regular space to anchor it, I more or less lost my way to my mat. Habits are funny things, aren't they? No matter how well established, the slightest change--like needing a new space--can derail them. But with the general lack of structure of my summer days, in which everything depends on the boy's wake-ups and naps, and these are moving targets at best, I find I need some solid ground upon which to release and unwind. So I've been unrolling my mat right in the middle of the messiness of our bedroom and stretching out, letting go of some of the day's tension. My body is tight, tight, no doubt a result of my trying to hold on to something, anything stable and permanent. I'm uneasy with these days' drifting. I feel my need for order and predictability rising in the face of my shifting schedule, a no-win situation. In those moments I have been giving myself over to the mat at night, some of those tight knots are beginning to loosen. Not unraveling just yet--but finding some space inside the tightness. A little more room for breath. I need all I can get.

i went to the gym today

This photo was taken while parked outside the gym as Mr Silas took a 20min power nap and I got caught up on blogs.

I went to the gym this morning. And it was awesome.

It seems that for every awesome trip to the gym, there is one that is mined with small disasters: either we don't ever make it to the gym because the boy naps at times which are incompatible with the gym's childcare hours (8am to 12pm), or my time on the treadmill is interrupted by diaper emergencies, or a baby who is either throwing up or inconsolable. But when it's good--man, it's so good.

Later this month it will be one year since I started going to the gym. I started to go last summer because it's too hot in Central Texas to exercise outside, even first thing in the morning, and never mind while pushing a stroller. Also, since 2 hours a day of childcare is included in the (very reasonable) membership fee, it seemed to make good sense. What better motivation to work out for a new mama than free childcare and the promise of time alone? Over time I found that going to the gym provided much-needed structure to our anchorless stay-at-home days, and gave me a good excuse to get out of the house every day.

I found my rhythm pretty quickly. There is always at least one empty racquetball court at my gym, and so once the boy is settled in the childcare room I duck in there with my mat and do anywhere from 10 to 40 minutes of yoga. Most often it's either a Sadie Nardini routine that I follow off my phone, or I do my own stuff, which is still heavily influenced by her. Then I hit the treadmill. I have started the C25K program over a bunch of times (I love this app.) I find that I don't mind so much where in the process I am, so long as I am doing it. And I certainly have fallen off the wagon many times, not darkening the doors of the gym for weeks at a time. But eventually, I always bring myself back.

Because here is what I found out: I love to run. I don't care how slow I am (read: very slow) or how long my running segments are, or how often I have to walk. I love running because it makes me feel awesome. On the best days it makes me feel strong and beautiful and capable. I love running because it gives me that BRING IT! feeling, like I can handle anything that life has to throw at me, and with a toddler to care for, there is lots of throwing. I love running because no matter how shitty and miserable everything else feels, at least when I get off the treadmill, I know I have spent some time in my day building towards health, happiness, and wellness. And also, when everything feels shitty and miserable, I have found there is nothing quite so cathartic and healing as pounding it out on the treadmill with Madonna and Adele blasting in my ears.

I came across this article this weekend (via Tsh), and while my own kid is nowhere near that articulate in his whininess, I could so, so relate. I run (hm, really, I jog, but it doesn't sound as sexy) because there are so many demands on me that I need that space and time to build up my strength and sanity, to recharge and renew. And also because there is no better way I know to move through the frustrations of a mama's daily life than to run through them. There was also this article earlier this year which also really resonated with me. Karen writes :

I love the idea of exercise being more for your brain and emotion than your body.  It sort of takes all that weird baggage of trying to look like some warped societal ideal of beauty completely off the table, doesn’t it?

I won't lie to you--I have a lot of weight to lose. My yoga practice keeps me reasonably fit, but I'm nowhere near where I need to be. Still, I found that if I focus on working out as a weight-loss-only proposition, I get despondent, and lose motivation and enthusiasm really quickly. The measurable improvements there just happen so slowly, and there is so far to go. But if I focus instead on exercise as a way of improving my mental and emotional health, then BAM, I hit the ball out of the park pretty much every time. Which is super motivating and encouraging and keeps me coming back for more.

So there you have it: I go to the gym, not in order that I may look good, but so that I will feel good. And after today's workout, I feel awesome.



Where do you work out? What keeps you coming back? I'd love to hear from you--even if you haven't been to the gym in ages! I have certainly been in that place. Are you feeling the tug to go back?

weekending

saturday was not at all what i planned
after the 4am wake up call with a teething, cranky boy
ravelry, coffee and bob the builder before the sun came up
starbucks parking lot nap with knitting and radiolab
instead of the farmer's market and playground
mama dazed at the birthday party
an afternoon nap for mama instead of a date with the mr.
then a family outing, knitting in the car,
pitas and ice creamat the playground
not bad after all, just different

sunday dawns soft and quiet
promise of rain yet to be fulfilled
a meal plan for the week
getting organized and motivated again
looking forward to a date raincheck this afternoon
maybe some book browsing, maybe some coffee
or reading by the river
for sure knitting in the car and tacos for dinner
and more mad men to cap the weekend off


ps happy Canada Day to my fellow country folk!


let's hear about yours! link up in the comments. playing along with amanda.